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I sharpen my teeth with my tongue
Mon, Apr. 12th, 2004 10:08 am
I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW @ 1PM NEXT SATURDAY!

he needs people so badly, HE called ME, and here i was about to wake up in the next 15 minutes and eat breakfast, then have coffee and call him with a list of references after i thought out my gameplan.

but, naooo! i think he needs people so badly, he called me AND is offering up to 40 hours a week!

40 hours!

even at minimum wage (before taxes) that's 260$ bi-weekly! more than i hoped for!

he told me to go on my trip to baltimore, "have a good time" and he would see me on saturday when i got back and we would talk about this further. he couldn't see me today because he has no employees to run the store while we chat. he NEEDS people.

and when he meets me he'll be able to tell people the story about when he got hold of his prize employee and shat himself before the interview was over.

"i win, i win, i win I DON'TLOSE i win!"

Current Mood: jubilant jubilant

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Thu, Apr. 8th, 2004 04:36 am

*pictures food* uuuuck. *covers mouth*

stella is asleep in my lap and making little kitty snores as she chases flies or mice or little sticks of deodorant with legs. she especially loves the power stripe, i think.

let's see.. before 10pm tonight i hadn't eaten in.. 49 hours. i snuck in a mango, a can of slimfast, a cup or 2 of tea and some tam crackers. then, finally, i made myself microwave a stouffer's dinner and by the time i had finished i felt sick and full enough to gag. teaches me for letting my stomach shrink to the size of a pea over the course of 3 days. i just haven't been hungry. i mean, i have, but for about 5 minutes. then i just take a swig of sprite and i'm fine.

what i really want is some lactard ice cream. or some dumplings from dim sum on 6th ave. ooor some ben & jerry's coffee ice cream from valaska in st. mark's.

*stomach rumble*

let's not talk about food. let's talk about all the things i need to do. no, nevermind. let's talk about the dysfunctionality of my relationship. NAAOOOO. let's bring up my family, or my friends, or my job, or my money, or my GOD DAMNED heel which is in debilitating pain from hitting it on the computer chair 30 minutes ago.

or..

let's talk about my trip to baltimore in 8 days, my new GED book, my self-awareness chat with my hetero lifemate, the cloves i'm going to get, my new creme brulee coffee..

what, the little things in life make up for the drastically obscenely large gaping holes in my soul? yes :]

watching ellen deteriorate has made me a little more determined not to give up on myself without a fight. i am fiesty, after all. i may not know what the hell i'm doing with myself but i can always take a step up and do something. i just have to be energized. and i'm thinking a vacation, even a 2-day getaway, will help to put my mind's eye into the right perspective.

i'm just bored with everything being so dramatic. my reality's like a bad sitcom. i would just turn it off, but, really.. i'm kidding myself if i say that i can be down on me 24/7. i like who i was too much. a few steps to getting me back and i'll be better capable to deal with anything.

so, as of now, for all of my homeskillets in the b-more, here are my plans:

April 16th (Friday) - leave NJ between 5 and 6pm.. arrive in Columbia, MD between 8 and 9pm. Get picked up by damngoodandwell and drive to Edgewater (just outside of Annapolis).

April 17th (Saturday) - be ecstatically happy because I'M HOME, biznatches!

April 18th (Sunday) - leave MD whenever (no later than 8pm) and drive back to NJ.

now i think i'll have some chicken ramen and pass the hell out until tomorrow.

shopping. *rubs hands together maniacally*

Current Mood: excited excited
Current Music: Kylie Minogue - In Your Eyes

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Wed, Apr. 7th, 2004 02:59 am

i'd scale this mountain of teenage hormones and plant a flag at the peak if it weren't already 3am.

i am, indubitably, an untamable beast of bottled ferocity. *hiss and claw*

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Natasha's Ghost - Falling Up

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Mon, Apr. 5th, 2004 05:28 pm
my heel is doing much better. it's about 3 different colors and my limping around the village last night couldn't have helped, buuut, still.. i like bruises.

i got around to updating my fotki, since it is apparently this huge subculture icon that had been hiding under my nose.

i want fresh fruit, and a hot bubble bath, and my Vampire Lestat book.

if i could just drag myself downstairs and change into my fuzzy robe. naaooo, i'd rather sit here and suck on my chups sucker.

i'll write more later. i have quite a few things to jot down.

Current Mood: restless restless
Current Music: Casia Eller

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Sat, Apr. 3rd, 2004 04:28 pm

i was pretty sure i almost broke my heel today. the pain was so unbelievably.. unbelievable. i laid on the floor in tears for 20 minutes, sobbing and snotting on myself. i could move my ankle, but as with the fight emily and i were having, i was hellbent on leaving. i got down the hallway and fell. laid there crying for 10 minutes. dragged myself back to emily's room and asked to use the phone. i knew saint vincent's was between 10th and 12th, but the thought of them putting needles in my foot seemed to make it worse.

i ended up staying because my dad told me to ice it down for an hour. so i did, and he and i decided it wasn't broken, but severely bruised. which is worse than broken. it's discolored and hurts to the touch and i'm hobbling around like a cripple.

also, i went to put a hoop in my eyebrow at a piercing place on mcdougal and the hoop turned out to be too big. so i bought another one and upon removal of the first, my piercing started bleeding. ugh. it's more sore than my busted heel.

i want comfort from my taco. and gay man love. and a big, frosty pint of cookie dough ice cream.

now i limp off to.. where ever it is i'm being dragged.

Current Mood: pissed off pissed off

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Thu, Apr. 1st, 2004 05:25 pm

that's 7 hours of what may be the soundest sleep i've ever had.

ahhhh.

now i feel like i need a back and shoulder and hip and thigh massage. for some reason, my muscles are incredibly tense. feels like i was jilling off for hours! ahah! can you imagine?

jeeesus.

Current Mood: refreshed refreshed
Current Music: Death In Vegas - Hands Around My Throat

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Wed, Mar. 31st, 2004 01:50 am

Hm, I also forgot to mention that I did Spring Cleaning in my journal, from my user info page to my user icons.

Everyone could stand to do a little Spring Cleaning. Yes?

Current Music: DJ Venom - Sleepwalking

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Tue, Mar. 30th, 2004 06:30 pm
(Stole it from jonas77)

Stand with Cho! Tell Bush No!

It is now clear that President Bush and the Republicans will use attacks against gays and lesbians as their 2004 election year strategy.

Let's stand united! Please sign this petition today and join with me and the DNC in making our voices heard and defeating Bush in November. Our goal is huge -- 500,000 signers by June--Pride month.

Sincerely, Margaret Cho

Click here to take action today!

Sign me!

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Tue, Mar. 30th, 2004 12:36 pm
my true nature? it was totally off the 1st time so i used my name instead.Collapse )

i'm not feeling much more fantastic today. i think i will go see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. i know i should go to the grocery instead and try to get that job. but what if they say, "come in and start training tomorrow"? i'll be so thrown off my schedule of 'sleep-eat-sleep' that i might vomit right there at the interview. i need my application at home first, so ellen can give me paul's phone number and i can discuss with susan the possibility of using her as a reference.

now i'm just making excuses.

*bitch slaps self*

GET IT TOGETHER, YOU ASS GOBLIN!

*cowers*

Current Mood: nervous nervous
Current Music: find it kinda funny, find it kinda sad, do doo dee do dee doody..hm mm..

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Tue, Mar. 30th, 2004 01:15 am

i'm very sad.

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Mon, Mar. 29th, 2004 01:29 am
HA HA! The flying crocodile WINS!

He beat the ass on that pansy shark. BAM BABY!



Anyway, I'm in the midst of a very gradual mental breakdown. I think it's worth recording on paper.

Aaaand, I have a question for those of you with knowledge of newfangled digital cameras.

See, I tried to hook up this camera to the computer with a USB cord. But my computer froze while it was detecting the driver and now it says it will never attempt to do it again. I can't take pictures from the camera unless I get the program to detect the USB and the computer refuses to detect the USB because Windows is evil and Bill Gates is the living embodiment of Beezlebub.

IT'S TRUE, I TELL YOU!

Right, so, any shortcuts around this Windows "I'm-a-dumbass-and-I-refuse-to-try-a-second-time" problem?

Don't tell me to try the other USB port. I did that already. I ain't stupid, y'all.

HELP.

Current Mood: yeah. gay. D'UH.
Current Music: Big O is gay. HE'S GAY, GOD DAMNIT.

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Wed, Mar. 24th, 2004 01:55 am
an email from my 3rd oldest sister, RaeCollapse )

alright now, listen up those of you who preach your admiration for sensibility and independence. before you credit my life with rebellion and emancipation, know THIS:

I DIDN'T FUCKING ASK FOR IT.

what is it? how many times do i go over and over and OVER this? i didn't ASK to be independent. i didn't ASK to leave my father's house at 15 and 'journey' out into the world with nothing but my boyfriend's job and my dad's once-in-awhile support checks of 50 fucking dollars.

how many 17-year-olds do YOU know that live in someone else's house on the bottom floor, mooching for food and asking their dad for money to buy some fucking tampons once a month because NO ONE will hire them? HOW MANY? out of those, how many CHOSE that life?

you don't think i want to be living under my dad, going to school and working at mcdonald's and playing soccer in my free time? i wanted to go to prom and be on student council and organize the LGBT group and make honor roll and have birthday parties and christmas with a fucking tree and stockings and get my first car at sweet GOD DAMNED SIXTEEN. party with my closest friends and see my sisters every once in awhile.

why do people praise me for this? like i'm making an accomplishment? meeting my goals.. um, no. i didn't want this life. i just have to deal with it. AND JUST BECAUSE I DON'T BITCH ABOUT ALL THE TIME DOESN'T MEAN I'M HAPPY ABOUT IT.

so fuck off with that. jesus christ.

Current Mood: uncomfortable uncomfortable
Current Music: Radiohead - I might be wrong

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Wed, Mar. 24th, 2004 12:54 am
i spent, like, what? 10 days with emily? um, 3-4 days in connecticut and then the rest in NYC. i felt weird about the entire thing, like i should go home but there was nothing waiting for me here like family or friends or job..

and it hit me like a ton of bricks. this is how it was when i lived in Columbia, MD. my god, i would do almost anything to get a time machine and go back to that period when i would go to pip's house for 3 days, then to beth and kel's, then home for a change of clothes... then it was right back out again. that was the couple of months between Krystle and Chuck. i was just nomadic. almost every week was like this. i guess you could say i was enjoying the freedom of being single and out of a sour relationship. but i think it had more to do with not being in my own house. i hated my room after Krys. smells and sights and how the AC would blow on my face at night bed. funny, that. the universe doesn't care if you scratch out a varible in the equasion of your life's routine. the AC would blow the same after she left as when she was there.

the damn weather toys with my head like that, too. at this point last year, the weather was the same in baltimore. there's always a sky. and the potential for it to look the way it did 3 years ago when i was with someone or getting over someone or just beginning to fall for someone.

anyway, i feel like a bitch thinking about those couple of 'transition' months. my dad must have thought i hated him and that apartment. and i think about him being by himself night after night. his depression. his self-destructive habits. i was his baby and i left him to sit in that place in the spring all alone week after week after week. and what was i doing? galavanting around baltimore, smoking cigarettes and drinking here and there..i was being a teenager amongst teenagers. eating pizza and renting movies. nothing really outlandish or bad. just enjoying myself. or trying to, anyway.

and the strangest of events happens like that. just one weekend in particular. that's all it took to turn things upside down. pride in fells point. seeing milecki and not really being his close friend. i was with krys the whole time. but hines was there and making those oh-so-subtle passes. gavin did his performance as a queen. i met candace, nick's sister (who is chuck's cousin). hines backed off, krys backed off, nick and milecki almost duked it out...

and the next night i met chuck. christ, that was some fucking night. i think i might get pretty sad if i start recalling all of it. one of the great nights of my pre-adult binges. i use that term because there a few select nights when it seems i had it in my head that i would be married or an adult the next day and had to live as though my last moments of adolescence were slipping through my fingers. i woke up the next morning and nothing had changed, naturally, except who i was laying next to or thinking of.

craziness.

but that's more crap than i wanted to address altogether. i don't even feel like writing about the other crap anymore. i just want someone to talk to on the phone while i go smoke a cigarette.

Current Mood: gloomy gloomy
Current Music: Earshot - Unfortunate

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Sat, Mar. 20th, 2004 05:02 pm
So, this is the photography that I shot to be used for Emily's website/album. But they're the lo-res versions. If you wanna see something bigger, go look at my deviantart account.

Unfortunately they're black & whiteCollapse )And again, that's it for now. More food.

Current Mood: blank blank
Current Music: VH1

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Sat, Mar. 20th, 2004 11:27 am
I've been with Emily since last Friday night. I went to Connecticut, then came back to the city on Monday, and have ping-ponged betwixt she and Patty since. I'm tired, but not in a sleepy way. I think I just want to go home and fall into my own bed and disappear from the world for a few hours.

Anyway, I've been taking pictures. No surprise.

Galavanting, Kween style..Collapse )

Now to eat bagels. More pictures as I resize them.

Current Mood: hungry hungry
Current Music: Queer Eye

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Tue, Mar. 9th, 2004 03:21 pm
i thought i was distracting myself with cleaning and baking and stewing. so when i stood at an open window for a few minutes to cool off, imagine my dismay as i observed the weather and did it to myself again. "looks just like the day that blah blah blah happened with so and so." i started feeling my stomach sink to the bottom of my gut as a ball came up my throat like a pinecone. here i go, just like always.

but then i went back to my scrubbing and mixing and chopping and heard little titter-tats on the patio outside. i ran to the window and, jesus christ...

it's hailing.

something up there likes me, i think.

Current Mood: relieved relieved
Current Music: Coldplay - Clocks

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Tue, Mar. 9th, 2004 12:49 am

it's one of those nights that i never can seem to outlive. or is it outgrow? i honestly don't think a year or a decade will make a difference. maybe i wouldn't have such a problem if it weren't for the fact that i know i am probably incapable of getting over the inevitable 'one time every so often' in which i am left to my own devices late at night. and my mind wanders. and i end up in the same places.

i hate memories. i hate visual imagery. i hate smells. and the feel of touching my own hands. and my own face.

it's getting to be exponentially worse each time. even the weather outside is setting off this chain reaction of feelings. i glance out my window as i walk across my room and see how the sky looks. oh, i think, that's exactly how fells point looked when ryan and i sat at the end of the pier. hm, funny how those clouds are shaping up to look just like the clouds over columbia the morning krystle came to my apartment. the light bounces off the walls in ellen's bedroom just like it did the day emily left me alone and went back to connecticut.

i am pathetically helpless to the victimization of myself. i hate having such a sharp recollection of every little fucking detail about these people and places and times. i'm sitting here reminiscing. i'm not being nostalgic and thoughtful and contented. i fucking hate it. it's like all of these times and instances are fighting for a chunk of my memory. i would have my memory medically erased if it were possible. i would seriously rather forget than spend my nights along and indisposed like a child having a pity-party over her past.

how do you grab hold of yourself, tell your brain to get a grip? yes, they're memories. no, they're not going anywhere. deal with it. you can't talk to those people anymore, you can't go back to those places. you don't get a second chance. you cannot make amends. nobody fucking said it was easy, but you know what? i wasn't prepared for it to be this hard.

would it help to make a list, detailed to the best of my ability? if i get them out of me and down on paper, are they any less vivid? could it take away their power to make me feel like a degraded, dehumanized son of a bitch?

it's not that i have any regrets. it's only that i didn't realize what i was doing back then would have such a deep impact on me today.

and now i feel like i'm trapped in a place where i don't belong, with people i don't know who don't know me. i just want the freedom to get up and leave and not come back if i don't want to. but no, i have obligations and debts and responsibilities.

so where the fuck is my masked rider on a white horse that scoops me up and carries me off into the sunset?

probably nursing herpes or dying of ascending bowel cancer.

no, god damnit. you deal with this one on your own. you don't have anyone to carry you away. you're here, you deal with it. doesn't matter who brought you here, who dumped you off and didn't leave a name or number after the beep. this isn't a fucking summer camp. you don't write home to people who love you or miss you. anyone could give a shit less. you think they get excited to hear from you? or see you? they have their own lives that do not involve you anymore. when your father finally dies and your half siblings fight over what little inheritence he leaves behind, there won't be any excuse for anyone to write you a letter or give you a call once every six months.

yeah. fucking whatever. i know. i just can't stop dribbling and stumbling over myself to choke it up like a fat man eating at a steakhouse. not that i have anything to bitch about. i have ahouse, food, a toilet and clothes. yeah, poor unfortunate me crying for myself. get on some meds and shut up about it.

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Wed, Mar. 3rd, 2004 04:57 pm
take this, paycheck! *middle finger*

so, i'm outside planting my tree (i told you i refuse to work, I TOLD YOU!) and since i can't find the garden shovel or gloves OR mat, i'm on my knees in jeans and my hoodie with a giant serving spoon from the serving-flatware-drawer, throwing loose dirt and pebbles and muck over my shoulder.

after about 40 minutes, once i've gone through rocks the size of bricks split in half and chunks of wood (YES, wood), i use my little cup-dirt-mover-thingie to push aside some mud when i see someting slightly long and creamish-white. i picked it up with my spoon and upon closer inspection, i could see that it was femur shaped.

oh yeah, baby. i found a bone.

it's as long as my middle finger, so i think it could have been a cat or a very small dog or raccoon. but what would kill a raccoon, or a very small dog besides a bigger dog? and possibly eat its flesh?

i'll tell you what. a MONSTER.

maybe my house is on top of an ancient Indian burial ground. or before it was housing developements a bat boy lived in the forest and devoured smaller animals. yeah, yeah! and he happened to drop the little femur bone of a mother possum right on that spot before moving on to her little possum babies. oo, there was blood and possum guts strewn from here to the neighbor's backyard. i bet baby possums shriek like banshees when they're being eaten alive...

..what?

fine. i planted the damn tree and watered and fed it and now it smells like happy pleasant douglas fur pine tree outside my window. yay.

Current Music: X-tina - Get Mine, Get Yours

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Tue, Mar. 2nd, 2004 02:05 pm
today has been for absolute dick. i cleaned the au pair's room, i spent 2+ hours cleaning out the au pair's cavalier.. i haven't much in the way of food and i am not tired. just spacey.

a 614 number keeps calling. i tried to look it up reversed with switchboard but it apparently does not exist. so i would like to know who is calling me from another dimension. that's got to be one fuck of a phonebill. IF YOU CALL MY HOUSE AND THE ANSWERING MACHINE PICKS UP, LEAVE A GODDAMN MESSAGE. STOP CALLING 4 TIMES IN AN HOUR, FUCK HEAD.

also, i am incredibly tempted to waste money at sikworld.com on t-shirts and stickers and hoodies. i can't get enough of the word 'FUCK', today. my conversation with ashley went something like this.

me: hey, man.
ash: hey, dude.
me: what's up?
ash: actually i have to go make a deposit and buy booze.
me: right now?
ash: no, not now, tomorrow. yes, now!
me: WELL, fuuuuck you, you fuckin' FUCK!
*click*

i have so many things i should be doing that i either get paid for, have a deadline or are vitally important in the scheme of priorities.

but, you know what?

FUCK it. fuck ALLLL of it. sh'yeah, buddy.

*pelvic thrusts*

Current Mood: bored bored
Current Music: Missy Elliot - Hot

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Mon, Mar. 1st, 2004 09:25 am
the nose. one the most sexually powerful parts of your body is the nose.

unfortunately for me, it seems to be the most reminiscent.

it's only 9 o'clock in the morning, and already i've read several things that make me want to slink downstairs to my bedroom, take off all my clothes and crawl into my bed like some dying animal that just wants to be alone in its corner. but it's warm and sunny down there, just like it is here in the livingroom. i want a cold, dark place that's dank with the smell of something rotten. because i sure as fuck would rather breathe fumes of burning corpses than remember all of these smells.

i can remember exactly the smell of the Baltimore Aquarium's cafeteria. Krystle's CK laundry powder.

i can remember exactly the smell of Pip's car, pip's apartment.

or the smell of Bryan's bedroom, Ryan's clothes, Ryan's room in the attic.

Chuck's apartment, his balcony in the morning.

Jeremy's backyard barbeques.

Deneira's dad's recording studio, her Mom's office.

Tascha's hair.

Megan's hands.

Jessi's man perfume.

the summer of 2001. the fall of 2002. the Winter of 2003.

and now the spring of 2004.

i can literally hug myself and remember standing in Fell's Point. it was fucking freezing. my ride was nowhere to be found. so Ryan zipped me up into his jacket and we hugged for bodily warmth. i remember that fucking smell.

or meeting up with chuck for the first time after 'pride night' at fort armstead. giving him a weird bouquet of flowers as i hugged him hello. i remember what that smelled like.

crawling into my dad's fucking u-haul to take the last of my things when i moved to Towson. it had a smell. i didn't fucking forget.

all of this shit had a smell. and i don't know how or why, but pairing a scent with a memory makes it about 300x more potent. i feel like i just woke up in a hospital after 6 months in a coma and the nurse says, "you might be a bit overwhelmed by the memories before your accident. it's just your brain rebooting. don't worry." yeah, so the bitch didn't warn me that i would be freaked the hell out.

this is so upsetting. it's especially hard to cope with since i'm not in baltimore. i'm here, in new jersey. the wastelands of soccer mom-SUV-suburbia. i want a fucking hug before i bang my head against my wall for an hour.

i think i want to find a way to have my memories of the past 5 years medically erased. anything not to be this upset by just remembering things.

also, i want this song on vinyl so i can slow it down and make a trip hop mix.

Current Music: Funker Vogt - Pure War

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Thu, Feb. 26th, 2004 11:15 pm

yes. someone typed it all out for me.

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Thu, Feb. 26th, 2004 02:55 pm
personality majiggerCollapse )

now that i have my permit, who's 21+ with 3 years of experience that will sit in a passenger seat with me while i practice K turns?

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Tue, Feb. 17th, 2004 07:54 pm
i am nominating this post for one of the coolest things i have ever seen on livejournal.

*watches the hypnotic cat-jiggling over and over*

Current Music: fatcat

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Tue, Feb. 17th, 2004 02:37 am



screen. mind. both are blank.

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Fri, Feb. 13th, 2004 12:58 am
my wishlist:

a big, fat leafy green, sticky sweet JOINT.

deadline: NOW.

[edit- why the hell am i such a pothound lately? i'm losing it. HOLY CRAP. I LOST IT.]

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Missy - Pass that dutch

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