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This is our process of separation, I think, as I slide an Assumption… - I sharpen my teeth with my tongue
Fri, Jun. 3rd, 2005 10:21 pm
This is our process of separation, I think, as I slide an Assumption Of Liability form across the Customer Service desk to a twenty-something Dungeons & Dragons nerd at Verizon. These are the methods of dividing assets, ways to reclaim belongings that are no longer shared. The nerd answers my questions, which are pertinent to the matter at hand but are thick with an underlying impatience. My facial expressions practice restraint; this kid doesn’t know that the cell phone plan must split to accommodate a painfully messy breakup between myself and the primary plan holder.

As he inputs my information into his computer, I am subconsciously toying with the idea of my parent’s divorce. Is this why separations are actually so tedious and unpleasant? Not because we are uncoupling but because we have to undergo a series of reacquisition which is a sly affirmation of our failure as a pair of people who wanted to share everything and now will torture ourselves and one another to regain even the slightest grain of property that we believe is rightfully ours.

Hearing the nerd tell me that I will have to be violated anally by my phone contract in order to place the plan in my name brings a grimace that I don’t attempt to mask. Now I will be forced to negotiate further with my ex girlfriend, and more importantly I will have to throw myself at her mercy. I leave feeling more exerted and used up than I did when I realized I was homeless.

The ill knot moving up my throat is thwarted briefly when I feel a swell of angry rage being lit like a fuse on a cheap piece of dynamite. Not seemingly enough to satisfy my quelling hormonal onslaught , I then feel warm tears stinging my eyes as a cumbrous chunk of sadness fights for a piece of my reaction.

But then I look to the girl that is exiting the store with me. My girlfriend embraces me and things suddenly don’t seem so dim and menacing. I’m okay because you’re here, I think. She takes my hand and we walk the shopping center to regroup with our friends who are shopping for clothes. We pause outside of the store that they’re in and make gestures to each other, being silly and laughing aloud.

I start to forget, and by the end of the night, I am wrapped up in you again. There is no monster waiting to devour me in a nightmare and the next morning is not gray and unfeeling. Everything is richer and warmer with you by my side.

So I think things will be okay.

Current Mood: grateful grateful
Current Music: NIN - Fragile

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