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I sharpen my teeth with my tongue
Wed, Mar. 5th, 2008 06:27 pm
"She's young, and will learn the hard way."

Oh, I'm young, but not too young for you to be obsessing over, apparently.

"I'm just disappointed in her, she seemed so sincere."

Sincere about not wanting anything more from you than friendship. Trust me, that was 100% sincere.

"I've read her blogs, I know what she's been through and what she's looking for."

Yes, people's blogs are like windows into their souls. IT'S A BLOG. We don't all put every inkling of any emotion into ours like you do. And uh, if you know what I'm looking for, you should've known it WASN'T YOU.

"Debbie will be there. Bwahahaha."

So... You're upset because you think I'm dating someone else and here you are making plans around a different girl? Hypocrite sounds about right.

"The things I did for her, and didn't get to tap that once."

You fucking sleaze. None of the things you 'did' for me ever warranted me fucking you. You should've quit blow for yourself, not for anyone else.

"I just IM'ed Matt.. just to say hi. Oddly enough, no reply."

Who the fuck do you think you are, Sherlock Holmes? He's not your friend, why would he say hello to you? I'm sure logic plays no role in your deductions, that why they always sound so good to you. Christ.

This next part I would just like to copy and paste.

"ramirothedj (8:25:06 PM): but i will tell u thi..
ramirothedj (8:25:15 PM): itwont lst
ramirothedj (8:26:04 PM): because i know more than hilary thinksi know about her
ramirothedj (8:26:21 PM): in eregards to her personality..
ramirothedj (8:26:49 PM): she has some ofthe isues i have
ramirothedj (8:27:09 PM): wether shetries to hide from them.
ramirothedj (8:28:09 PM): she will contnue to bounce from one relationship to another until she confronts her own demons
ramirothedj (8:28:26 PM): she uses relationship as a cruch
ramirothedj (8:29:05 PM): to avoid dealing andconfronting wat she eeds to confront
ramirothedj (8:29:08 PM): herself"

Let me make this perfectly clear. I want you to understand completely, entirely and without any doubt:

You do not know me. You will never know me. I do not use relationships as a crutch, you do. You latch onto anyone that gives you the time of day, and you attempt to emotionally manipulate them. For fear of not being able to hold them to you, you profess feelings that you know are not genuine, and you feign guilt and sadness when that person does not share the same feelings. I have confronted myself. Long ago. I know myself better than you have even begun to grasp your own identity. And I didn't need to copy and paste a generic letter of shallow self-revelation to all of my friends to do it.

I have observed more self-serving behavior in you than in some of the most narcissistic people I have come across. You believe that your perception is high-powered and can cut deep, but you are terrified to turn this on yourself. I think maybe, in your subconscious, you know how warped and delusional you are. Some day, you will learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and stop trying to force them on others.

Until then, you will continue to project your own emotional inadequacies onto innocent, unsuspecting people.

Your views on me, you, and this whole situation truly are demented. And it seems that I will never stop being ashamed to have ever met you.

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Tue, May. 23rd, 2006 07:13 pm
I found an untapped magical vein. And I am going to use it. Against my better judgement, that is.

And really, I think my indifference towards the concept of 'right' or 'wrong' is what will be my shield.

Let them come for me. They can do no worse than I will do to myself.

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Wed, Mar. 15th, 2006 06:28 pm
WHY DO PEOPLE SUCK SO FUCKING MUCH?!

I HATE YOU! YOU PIECE OF SHIT! FUCK OFF AND DIE! FALL FROM THE TOP OF A TALL BUILDING! STAPLE YOURSELF TO TRAIN TRACKS! EAT A CAN OF BOTULISM! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!

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Sat, Dec. 10th, 2005 09:57 pm

I have no idea what's going on.


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Sun, Nov. 27th, 2005 02:25 am
Hey kids.

I don't have the internet at home. Whenever I am at a computer, I will check up on LJ.

Let's just say that I'm up to my neck in creamy poo. But it's whatever.

Eventually I will purchase a cable connection and have access to the roommate's computer.

'Til then, it's back to being scarce.

"LU,GW"

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Wed, Nov. 9th, 2005 04:26 pm

Apparently, when I made my last entry I neglected to use my 'anti-drama' filter, so a certain someone 'relayed' my entry to one of Lauren's friends and, when one of them gets their hands on a piece of information that has nothing to do with them it gets passed around. Consequently, Lauren says to me, "So, all of my friends know that you're moving to Michigan." And I reply, "That's funny. I didn't tell any of them that I was moving." In fact, I don't even speak to any of them. Gee, I wonder.

Let me pick my words carefully, here. I wouldn't want them twisted.

My entry was protected, not public. People protect entries to keep them from unwanted eyes. None of you are my friends. You are all unwanted eyes. I don't know why it is you can't find anything better to do than spread gossip around based upon my business. If I am so unimportant and beneath you, why am I the topic of conversation? Jimmy, you were the only mutual friend that I put onto my list of unfiltered people. I assumed that you were friendlier with me than other friends of lauren's. Gossip is not something I would have foreseen. If it was, I would've kept you on the filtered friends list. But I guess I made a mistake of judgement. I find what you did to be very disrespectful. So you have been de-friended. Now you, and everyone else, can get your gossip straight from Lauren.

I have been tempted to make a general address to all of you (you as in Lauren's friends). I couldn't decide whether to make it in the form of individual letters or one large general address. When I tried confronting some of you individually I got nowhere (save that Erin actually talked and communicated with me like an adult). And eventually I made up my mind that it is pointless. Nothing I say will be taken seriously, it will only be picked at behind my back and spat on. So it would be a waste of my breath.

However, I have said this to Lauren and I mean it in all honesty. If any of you should ever want to take the mature initiative to meet me on some normal plane of adulthood and discuss with me your thoughts, concerns or questions regarding our past (IE my wanting to be friends with all of you and all of you shunning me without ever really knowing me as a person), my email is jeweledandpunked@aol.com. I still have yet to hear a legitimate reason why I am so below all of you. And I'm not giving anyone an invitation to belittle and attack me. I am perfectly capable of having a functional, intellectual and emotionally gratifying conversation in which two people can express their feelings honestly and freely, given they can listen as well as speak. So, there it stands.

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Fri, Jun. 3rd, 2005 10:21 pm
This is our process of separation, I think, as I slide an Assumption Of Liability form across the Customer Service desk to a twenty-something Dungeons & Dragons nerd at Verizon. These are the methods of dividing assets, ways to reclaim belongings that are no longer shared. The nerd answers my questions, which are pertinent to the matter at hand but are thick with an underlying impatience. My facial expressions practice restraint; this kid doesn’t know that the cell phone plan must split to accommodate a painfully messy breakup between myself and the primary plan holder.

As he inputs my information into his computer, I am subconsciously toying with the idea of my parent’s divorce. Is this why separations are actually so tedious and unpleasant? Not because we are uncoupling but because we have to undergo a series of reacquisition which is a sly affirmation of our failure as a pair of people who wanted to share everything and now will torture ourselves and one another to regain even the slightest grain of property that we believe is rightfully ours.

Hearing the nerd tell me that I will have to be violated anally by my phone contract in order to place the plan in my name brings a grimace that I don’t attempt to mask. Now I will be forced to negotiate further with my ex girlfriend, and more importantly I will have to throw myself at her mercy. I leave feeling more exerted and used up than I did when I realized I was homeless.

The ill knot moving up my throat is thwarted briefly when I feel a swell of angry rage being lit like a fuse on a cheap piece of dynamite. Not seemingly enough to satisfy my quelling hormonal onslaught , I then feel warm tears stinging my eyes as a cumbrous chunk of sadness fights for a piece of my reaction.

But then I look to the girl that is exiting the store with me. My girlfriend embraces me and things suddenly don’t seem so dim and menacing. I’m okay because you’re here, I think. She takes my hand and we walk the shopping center to regroup with our friends who are shopping for clothes. We pause outside of the store that they’re in and make gestures to each other, being silly and laughing aloud.

I start to forget, and by the end of the night, I am wrapped up in you again. There is no monster waiting to devour me in a nightmare and the next morning is not gray and unfeeling. Everything is richer and warmer with you by my side.

So I think things will be okay.

Current Mood: grateful grateful
Current Music: NIN - Fragile

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Thu, May. 26th, 2005 05:27 pm
I really don't feel like writing about everything that happened. So I'm not going to.

All that's truly important is:

Everything is okay. And what's not okay, will be.

Current Music: HA

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Tue, May. 17th, 2005 04:26 pm
This is so goddamn cocksuckin' motherfuckin' awesome.

If I did squeal like a school girl, it'd be happening right now.

Current Mood: rejuvenated rejuvenated
Current Music: Amerie - Touch

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Tue, Apr. 19th, 2005 04:20 am
Uno's memorial is beautiful. I'm so proud of myself. And frickin' glad I had the pictures I did.

As if I weren't having enough of a time staying up late, I decided to put my face in Chris' chocolate birthday cake.

Now I am totally buzzed. Who's awake?

After I picked up my contacts at the Doctor's, I dragged Jessie into the mall's pet store to check out the ferrets and snakes. What a combination. But I am so desperate to have a snake again, I would've gotten one right then and there and hidden it in our bedroom. Of course, with my luck, it'd have escaped and slithered out just as Jess' Mother was grabbing laundry from our bedroom. She'd scream murder and throw something heavy at it, and I'd be kicked out for sure.

So I digress. There will always be snakes. I can wait.

BUT I WANT ONE RIGHT NOW!

To this day I will never forgive Chuck for keeping my best snake ever, Buddy. Buddy was permanently damaged from years of second-hand THC abuse. IE: He became a pot head and eventually became retarded. You could poke him in the eye- he would keep doddering along. I used to wear him around my neck everywhere. Kids would pet him, adults would curl their faces into knots of disgust and complain to management, thereby having me removed from places of business unless I would lose the snake. Which I didn't. So Buddy got me kicked out of many places. I didn't care. He was my pal. I miss that snake.

Current Music: Frank Sinatra - Night and Day

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Tue, Apr. 12th, 2005 10:14 pm
I'm not usually saddened by death, in fact I'm pretty indifferent about it. When I hear someone has died, it will affect my day only to the point of mourning for an hour or so and racking my brain for memories of the person in question. But now there's been a death that is really reverberating through my head constantly. To some people, having a loving connection with a pet can seem cheesey when it's brought to a human level. For me, it's the least cheesey kind of human connection. In fact, I've had more of a connection with my pets than I have ever had with a person. Being Wiccan also comes into consideration on that note, because most witches have familiars (animals which you are so tuned into, you can utilize their help when performing magick.)

Stella, my cat, was a gift from my boyfriend and is essentially the only thing of great value I took from our relationship (other than a shitload of nasty male-related stigma). One of my recent entries told of her birthing a kitten. Uno, that kitten, passed away yesterday morning. I was devastated. But I have to be more on the up-and-up because Stella will pick up on my distress faster than any friend I have.

Yes, I am unable to type "Stella's kitten died." Uno deserves more than a sentence. I miss her already. And nobody better say she's in kitty heaven.

Anyway, her death was disheartening but I've got my frackin' hands full so I'm sort of in 'coast' mode right now. I'm acing all of my MVA classes, I went above and beyond at work this past weekend, and I'm slowly assembling some state of physical health. I flushed out some negative influences (some went more smoothly than others, but are gone nonetheless) and beginning next week, will eventually begin to be surrounded by good friends again.

Yep. This glitterwhore's starting to do all right again.

Aunt V and Janice had so much to do with getting my butt in gear. I'll pay them back somehow.

And on another completely awesome note:

I GOT TO SEE MSI MONDAY NIGHT. I WAS TWO FEET FROM JIMMY URINE. MY FRIEND TOUCHED HIS ASS.



Me with my ticket and my underage X's

Current Mood: Pussy'd All Night
Current Music: MSI - Diabolical

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Mon, Apr. 11th, 2005 10:19 am
Good lord do I feel sorry for you.

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Sun, Mar. 27th, 2005 11:10 pm
My internet is off and on. For an undetermined amount of time.

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Fri, Jan. 21st, 2005 01:49 am
Denny's 24-hour-breakfast menu.

My only love, sprung from my only hate...Collapse )

Current Mood: hungry hungry

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Tue, Dec. 21st, 2004 12:49 am
i'm scratching at the walls.

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Tue, Dec. 7th, 2004 03:09 am
Acoms Razor. The simplest explanation tends to the correct one.

Not only have I completely familiarized myself with this theory, I am neck-deep in it. If my life is a car, then Acoms is a bumpersticker that I put on the front windshield in my eyeline. It's an air-freshener hanging from my rearview. It's my personalized set of rubber floor mats.

Why then, when there is a dilemma right in front of my face do I wrestle it like a rabid crocodile? I am bitingly intelligent, yet I have these blackout moments of "duh'er" like everyone else.

I have denounced that the culprit is usually love. Like a mongoose and a cobra, love is my natural enemy. Not even particularly bred of innate hatred, it is simply my instinct to loathe it. I am constantly suspicious of its motives, as there is constantly some under-handed trickery at work within its scaly hands. But like most enemies, we spend most of our lives being too wary of each other that time is steadily wasted, and most of the time all for naught. However, the battles are still as fierce and merciless. I choke it to the point of near-suffocation with my bare hands and in return it squashes me from behind like a roaring peterbilt from hell.

Is there ever a point when we will coexist without fiery abjuration for one another? I do not foresee reconciliation or even a cease-fire. I am too covered in battle scars. I want to slice love's throat on national television. I want to incorporate it into the concrete of a sub-level basement for a nuclear weapons factory. I want to push it into the cranking metal teeth of a taffy-pulling machine and watch small children smack it in their little smiling mouths unable to differentiate between the sweet innocence of their candy and the unholy contempt of my homicidal repugnance.

Dear Love,
I Hate You.
I will terminate you, one way or the other.
-Hilary

Current Mood: predatory predatory
Current Music: Slipknot - Vermilion

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Fri, Nov. 26th, 2004 11:50 pm

Remember TV Guide's issue featuring "The Best Shows You're Not Watching"? I've decided it's only fair to feature a journal from my friends page that has very few friends in common with me (not weekly, just every so often. And I have a lot of friends to go through). So, here:

The Best Journal You're Not Reading: black_dawning

---

Yes. My new journal layout is me. Again. I was a little hesitant to use a giant picture of my face. But then I asked myself why? Why should I feel even a twinge of hesitation? It's my journal and it's my face and I will do what I please with whichever. After considering it more intensely, I found that I was afraid of appearing conceited or 'full of myself'. Well, fuck that, I decided.

My focus delved deeper and I was becoming more and more appalled at this concept. Why is it not okay to enjoy the way you look or your face or your entire body in general? And how could I have let the mass advertising machine infiltrated my brain fortress? The balance in a female's extrication betwixt her appearance and her reputation is positively repugnant. It's blasphemy unto one's soul, I tell you.

Weigh this: If a girl believes she is attractive, she is conceited. If she believes she is ugly, she's either a headcase ("I'm so fat, I need to go on a diet" -89lb teenager) or develops an eating disorder/spends all expendable income on ways to better her appearance (makeup, gym subscription, diet/lite foods, PLASTIC SURGERY). I want to shake all of them like crying babies and scream into their faces: YOU ARE NOT A DRAGON, THOSE REVLON COMMERCIALS ARE BULLSHIT. YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING WHO DOES NOT NEED TO UNDERGO MINDLESS RITES OF PASSAGE SO YOU CAN BELONG TO A GIANT WALKING/TALKING ADVERTISING MACHINE.

Your nose does NOT need to be tiny and button. Your hair does not need to be long and highlighted. Your belly does not need to be flat enough to bounce a quarter off of. Your boobs don't need to be huge and perky. Your ass doesn't need to be perpendicular to your spine. Your nails don't need to be painted and your naval doesn't need to be pierced.

All your body needs is to be loved and taken care of by YOU. Not EVERYONE ELSE.

And I am not about to feel shame for liking my face enough to make it my background.


Current Mood: moody moody
Current Music: Radiohead - Knives Out

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Fri, Nov. 26th, 2004 11:13 pm

Several pivotal moments in my entanglement with music.
People have songs that hold significant feelings for them. But what about the music that makes a total impact on you when third parties aren't involved? These are moments that weren't necessarily during integral parts of my life, but that are too memorable to ever forget. They were large parts of the shaping of my love for music and have made ripples in my exposure and obsession with music.

---

AK1200 - Drowning - Summer of '01

Before Krystle was my first girlfriend, Canya became my 'hetero-lifemate'. Canya and I were yin and yang, but we were like soulmates from the first day we met. Most of our time was spent on her balcony during the daytime. While her mother was at work, we would sit on the artificial green grass, smoke cigarettes and drink her homemade tea (which might as well have had crack in it, the stuff was so addictive). Our conversations were enough to fill the silence, but we would also occasionally drag out her boom box and listen to Sublime or the radio (She didn't really have any CDs and all of my music was in mp3 form). One sunny afternoon, she said she'd gotten a burned mix CD from her boyfriend. I shrugged, not really minding anything specific. But the first track was "Drowning". I was holding a cigarette and lighter throughout the entire song, sort of mid-air, but never lit it. I hadn't really heard Drum'n'Bass before. I was totally miffed but I made her play the song about eight more times. That song sort of single-handedly launched my adoration for trance, house and jungle.

---

Bush - Letting the cables sleep - Spring of '02

I had ended my hellish relationship with Krystle. I was romping from D.C. to Baltimore with friends constantly, stopping here and there to attend school once in awhile and get a few hours of sleep. It was around this time that I met Ryan F. We had a strangely fucked up relationship which was based on loneliness, friendship but mostly sexual frustration & exploration. One of our frequent hang outs was Fells Point, a little cultural hub on the water not too far from Baltimore's Inner Harbor. I've always seen 'Fells' as a little magic hotspot. It was once home to my weekly LGBT youth meetings, and also keeps two of my most favorite places to eat. Ryan and I would wander in and out of the little shops, smoke like chimneys and chase seagulls.

A stop on our wanderings was a record store called Sound Garden. One ordinary night, Ryan asked me if I had ever listened to a particular Bush CD. I said no, and he drug me to a listening station so I could hear a single track. He pushed the track skip button until he landed on number eleven and then walked away. I'm not sure if he was watching me from somewhere to catch my reaction, but when the song began to play I didn't mind him, the people using the listening stations around me or the twenty customers moving on the sales floor below.

I began crying quietly. I was out of my body, out of my mind and couldn't be bothered until the song was over. I wanted to listen to it over and over, but I didn't think I could stand to. I don't know how to write in words what I felt in those four minutes and thirty-six seconds. If I'm moved to tears by listening to a song in a bustling crowded place, you can probably imagine. It is one of the most memorable moments as far as music & I are concerned.

(I'm not sure if I ever properly thanked him for that.)

---

Portishead - (The entire self-titled CD) - Summer of '02

After my adventures with Ryan came to a screeching halt, I was roaming the towns again like a medicated free spirit (although not literally medicated). When June rolled around, it was time for Baltimore City's Pride party. I attended all 3 events, but the most important event was the block party, which closed off several city streets to accommodate a giant stage, speakers and various little booths. Held right next to Grand Central (a famed gay bar), there were drunkards aplenty. And in the midst of those drunkards was myself in nay but a bikini top and jeans. Also in attendance was my friend's cousin, Charles. Charles and I had met once before in Fells Point (go figure), but that night we were especially chummy. He would fetch me drinks from the bar while my friends poured water on each other and danced like gay maniacs beside the giant speakers.

When the party outside had ended, we all migrated into Grand Central to play pool and take advantage of the public bathrooms. Much to my own surprise, I was hustled by two gay men, but after a show of 'mine is bigger than yours' (again, NOT literal) Chuck was the decided victor and his reward was dry humping in the middle of the pool room. We started to feel a little shunned by our friends (especially Chuck's cousin who just did not want to see our PDA) and decided to head for coffee at Paper Moon Caf�. Still more disapproval from our friends. So let's ditch them, we both said.

As soon as I climbed into Chuck's car, I was totally sucked into a trance (a dirty dirty trance) by the CD in his car's stereo. It was like nothing I had ever heard before and I could've eaten it up all night were it not for our arrival at his apartment 20 minutes later. I found out later that it was Portishead, and thus began my complete reverence for trip-hop.

---

Massive Attack - (the Mezzanine album) - Winter of '02

After moving in with Chuck, his roommate left to trek to Utah and we were roomie-less. Through bended coincidence, we found Kevin and moved him in pronto. I had been without a computer since leaving my father's apartment and Kevin had not only brought his but subscribed to a cable connection. I used it at his discretion, though mostly we used it to blast music between our two bedrooms. The first Massive Attack song I heard through Kevin was Teardrop. It was depressing but I was still addicted to trip-hop and had no means to acquire anything but Portishead, so I was entranced once more (except not dirtily this time).

Flash forward to Spring of '03, when I moved to NJ and into Ellen's house. Finally, a computer at my fingertips once more. I went on a piracy rampage for more trip-hop, but had luckily not forgotten about Massive Attack. I downloaded the entire Mezzanine album and grew to fiend them more than ever. Black Milk is still my favorite song of the trip-hop genre.

Current Mood: melancholy melancholy
Current Music: Gabriel & Dresden - As the rush comes

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Sun, Sep. 12th, 2004 11:07 pm
pointless lesbian quizCollapse )

the only change i will make is that i'm the one who enjoys the princess pampering. i treat girlfriends like people whom i respect, adore and love. there's a difference.

and, also.. i despise chick flicks.

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Fri, Jun. 18th, 2004 07:46 pm
haven't updated, haven't read friends list, haven't replied to comments...

teh suck is what i be.

but, for now, i'm working like a bitch.. going to baltimore pride on sunday.. having terrible nightmares..

uuuuuuuugh.

Current Music: Hole - Softer, Softest

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Fri, Jun. 11th, 2004 02:16 am
hoyl crap i'm gone..

trying to eat a piece of bread but it's not working. aaaaaaaaagggghhhh!

Current Mood: TRASHED

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Tue, Jun. 1st, 2004 09:36 am

i really, really REALLY do not want to go to work today. fake illness? so i can get out early and work late tomorrow to make up for it? no. i'm just screwed. and supposed to leave in 10 minutes. oops. i'm not dressed.

my mind is elsewhere. it's very distracting. i can't put a rope on it.

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Fri, May. 21st, 2004 07:43 pm
it's that time again. i am getting too bored with my hair and need to do something drastic to make myself feel better. so i'll leave my happiness in... guess who? that's right! your hands!

pick the one you like best.

6(17.6%)
2(5.9%)
26(76.5%)

Current Mood: curious curious
Current Music: Sneaker Pimps - Roll On

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Sun, Apr. 18th, 2004 04:31 pm
i just wrote a huge fucking entry. and LJ shat itself. now it's all gone.

of course i got the little hunch before i went to post that said, "copy it before you do anything". but i ignored it.

story of my fucking life.

now i'm too fucking pissed off to write it all out again. let me just summarize it for you:

FUCK.

Current Mood: enraged enraged
Current Music: Tapping The Vein - Inside

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Mon, Apr. 12th, 2004 10:49 am
me? change? naaooo!Collapse )

i think this is hilarious. most of my old friends (OLD friends) probably remember me as fucking evil. unlike nowadays, when i can barely stand to watch movies like The Ring or Dawn of the Dead. i just about shat myself when i watched 5 minutes of The [new] Texas Chainsaw Massacre. and THAT was in the NYU lobby, surrounded by people and light. *shiver* my days of flirting with crazy shit are over. lol.. now i cry when i watch the lion king.

NOW, i know i said in that entry saturday morning that i would be in baltimore. change of plans, obviously. instead, i'll be there in about 26 hours. my train gets into BWI at about 3pm (heads up gayboirye, peachybaby921, species, 1disturbedgrrl, lickingliars, xoutofrangex, lilshedevil24, lifeiswaiting4u, starrpetta and whoever else feels so inclined)

Current Mood: bouncy bouncy
Current Music: Kylie Minogue - Get up

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